


the holy or the broken

by onekisstotakewithme



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: (Gesundheit), Aftermath of Violence, Ambiguous Relationships, Catharsis, Episode: s08e06 Period of Adjustment, Healing, Heart-to-Heart, M/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:15:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25882693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onekisstotakewithme/pseuds/onekisstotakewithme
Summary: Hawkeye and BJ have a chat in the middle of the night.tag to "Period of Adjustment"
Relationships: B. J. Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Comments: 3
Kudos: 64





	the holy or the broken

**Author's Note:**

  * For [daylight_angel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/daylight_angel/gifts).



> thanks to Day for the beta read ♥

Hawkeye jolts to awareness with a throbbing pain in his head, like fifty thousand Rockettes have started high-kicking his brain around his skull like a soccer ball.

His heart is pounding in tune with his head, and he isn’t sure if the swamp is fuzzy from sleep or because one of his eyes is swollen shut.

He lies there for a second, wondering what provoked him back to waking. A nightmare?

His heart rate slows a little, and then, as he deliberately relaxes tense muscles, he hears it.

The muffled sounds of BJ crying into his pillow.

“Beej?” Hawk asks, sitting up a bit too fast and having to brace himself against a wave of dizzying nausea. It takes a few deep breaths before the taste of bile goes away.

The sobbing stops followed by a few ragged breaths.

And then the smallest, most pathetic voice he’s ever heard from BJ. “… Hawk?”

“Yeah.”

“I- I’m sorry.” BJ nearly chokes on the words, and Hawk wonders how long he’s been lying awake, how long the guilt and anger and grief have been brewing.

He pulls his robe tighter around himself as he steps carefully over to BJ’s cot (he isn’t sure he got all the glass from earlier and doesn’t think he wants another round of disinfectant and bandages tonight).

He sits on the edge of BJ’s cot, trying to make out the fuzzy shape of him in the darkness.

“I- I didn’t mean to wake you,” BJ says, wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his robe. “Really.”

“It’s okay.”

An awkward silence descends, and it’s one of the first their friendship has known.

And then, sounding miserable, BJ whispers, “Hawk, I’ve never hit anybody like that in my  _ life.” _

“No?” Hawkeye asks, carefully, stepping over the shards in BJ’s voice. “You sure hit like an expert.”

BJ’s quiet. “I didn’t- Hawk, I’m so sorry, your poor  _ face-” _

“You’ve really never hit anybody?”

“No!” It’s vehement. “I’d never- I- I always thought I’d never…”

“You’ve never…” Hawk pauses, on the edge of a sharp question. “Not Peg?”

_“No,”_ BJ says. “No, I’d never even think of that, I don’t know what happened, I just…”

“Went berserk,” Hawk sums up. “So why did you…?”

“I don’t know,” BJ says softly, and it’s an apology as well as a confession. “I don’t know, God help me.”

“What happened?”

“I just… got so  _ angry,  _ Hawk, and I couldn’t hold it in.” BJ sniffs. “I had to get it out, so I exploded.”

“And hit the closest thing.”

“God, Hawk.” BJ’s voice breaks. “Your  _ face.” _

“It’ll heal.”

“Will we?”

Hawk swallows hard, trying to ignore how it makes black spots pop in front of his eyes. “I want to.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

“Beej, is this some kind of trick?” he asks, exhausted. “You want me to say gotcha! I’m never speaking to you again?”

“No!” BJ snaps. “No, H-Hawk, I’m  _ scared.” _

“Scared?”

“I told you I never hit anybody like that in my life. I- I wasn’t  _ raised  _ like that. But… now that I have, what if it happens again? What if I hurt you again, or Peg, or… or  _ Erin?  _ I couldn’t live with myself.”

Hawkeye sighs, reaching for BJ’s hand in the darkness, trying not to flinch when BJ moves too fast to take it. “Beej…”

“What if I’m a  _ monster?” _

“You’re not.” Hawk is sure of this at least, squeezing his hand.

BJ may not be the same fresh-faced young doctor Hawk met at Kimpo one beautiful awful summer day, but Hawk has never stopped knowing who BJ is.

“What if I explode again?”

“Then we find you some other outlet that isn’t my face. You could talk to Father Mulcahy about borrowing his punching bag when you feel like you’re about to explode.”

“Okay.” BJ sniffles again. “Hawk?”

“Yeah Beej?”

“I’m really sorry.”

“I know.”

“Will you ever forgive me?”

“Of course,” Hawkeye says, squeezing his hand, as BJ leans on his shoulder. “Best friends are hard to come by in this town.”

BJ chuckles, a watery laugh. “Not funny.”

“You laughed.”

“Pity laugh.”

“It’s okay, Beej,” Hawkeye says again, turning so his face is buried in BJ’s hair. “It’s okay.”

“No it isn’t.”

“No,” he concedes. “But it will be.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah"  
> ~  
> Thanks for reading! ♥  
> (For those of you reading this wondering about 'ye who are weary', a new chapter should be going up soon, but I wanted to post a little something for y'all before I left on vacation!)


End file.
